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Not for nothing, but we totally called this two years ago.
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Honest title for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Corporate Reboot Cash-Grab Turtles. Miyucky (Danny Woodburn and Tony Shalhoub as Splinter), Whoopi Cushion (Whoopi Goldberg as Bernadette Thompson), Fox News (Megan Fox as April O'Neil), Fruit Ninja, You've Made a Huge Mistake (Will Arnett as Vern Fenwick), and The Iron Throne (Tohoru Masamune as Oroku Saki/The Shredder). Starring Leads (Pete Ploszek and Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo), Does Machines (Jeremy Howard as Donatello), Cool But Crude (Alan Ritchson as Raphael), A Party Dude (Noel Fisher as Michelangelo), Mr. Jon Bailey: Are you listening, Michael Bay? Can we at least agree the new one needs a mutant warthog and a badass rhino? ( shows the Ninja Turtles dancing to the "Ninja Rap" in ' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze) Jon Bailey: But the plot was terrible, and they completely ruined the characters!Ĭhild: It is just a kid's movie, right? It's not like Turtles were better in your day.
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So ride along for a story you've totally seen before ( shows references to previous Ninja Turtles movies and TV shows) with this below-average reboot that's all but ruined the franchise.Ĭhild: Hey, I thought it was pretty cool.Ĭhild: Why are you being so mean? Michelangelo is funny. ( Pizza Hut pizza box appears next to him)Īll the pizza places in New York City to choose from, and they go with Pizza Hut? You're in New York! You got Ray's, Ray's Original, Famous Ray's, Famous Original Ray's, Ray's Famous World Original, and you go to Pizza Hut? Get outta here. Michelangelo: I got a secret stash of Orange Crush behind the fridge.There's literally nothing that could break me right now.
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Suit up for a project that was only produced by Michael Bay, but still has everything you'd expect from a movie he directed, like things going "boom", Megan Fox, fart jokes, a big ol' truck, Shia LaBeoufing ( April: No, no, no, no, no.), gratuitous slo-mo, unnecessary camera spins, and tons of product placement.
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Together, they'll hatch an evil plan to poison New York City, then sell them a mutagen they created that can cure all disease.instead of just selling the cure on the open market? That's gotta be worth something, right? Now, it's this random Japanese guy (Tohoru Masamune), who we never really see or get to know, in a bunch of painfully obvious reshoots.
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William Fichtner is The Shredder, or at least he was supposed to be until the nerd rage of a thousand fan boys changed the studio's mind. You know, a turtle's genitals are half the length of their bodies, so good luck with that, Mikey. Michelangelo: She's so hot, I can feel my shell tightening.We can still have adult conversations.I got a nice song that's all cued up. Instead, get ready for April O'Neil: The Movie, a film all about her quest to be taken seriously as a journalist while being sexually objectified by her coworker ( Vern: Yeah, that's good!) and the director of the movie ( Vern: Yeah, that's good!) and even her own childhood pet. You were dying to see fan favorites like Krang, Casey Jones, Bebop, and Rocksteady.
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Meet these four roided-out nightmare versions of Shrek with some of the most needlessly complicated backstories of all time, where they were born in the lab of April O'Neil's father, making them April's childhood pets ( April: They were my childhood pets, and they were named after Italian Renaissance painters.), who she tries to save in a fire, then immediately dumps them down a sewer for some reason, where they're raised by a mutant rat who quickly learned how to become a ninja from.reading a book that someone flushed down the toilet? Whaaa? What was wrong with the ooze falling down the sewer, like they did in the cartoon? The Turtles are back, and they're scary as sh*t. From the producer hellbent on taking all the fun out of your childhood toys (Michael Bay) comes the reboot that somehow gets the spirit of the four heroes right, but absolutely nothing else: